A Byns Love Story
Story by Kuinevi

It was Valentines Day in the Neverhood, and everyone was in a loving mood. Hoodians were recieving valentines left and right, flowers were in bloom, people were being nice and everyone was happy. Well, almost everyone.

There were only 2 people who were sad that day: Thull and, surprisingly, Kuinevi. Thull was sad because, well, he's always sad. Kuinevi was sad for a reason no one knew. People had given him valentines, but he just tossed them away. Eventually, when Doodles gave Kuinevi a valentine and he threw it away, other Hoodians were a tad worried that something could be wrong.

Doodles, along with KookedKlay, Sarlakk, Arsenic, Sketch and Tramen, had found Kuinevi sitting behind the Nursery, crying. Doodles looked at Kuinevi and sat next to him.

She placed her arm around Kuinevi's shoulder and said, "Kui, yer crying. What's wrong?"

Her tone was caring and sensitive. Kuinevi turned his tear-filled eyes towards Doodles.

His voice was breaking up. "Doodles... *sniff*... I'm sorry... but.. *sniff*... but.... you wouldn't... understand..."

Doodles looked concerned at Kuinevi, and said "Kui, of course I'd understand. We all would. Right?"

She turned her attention to the others. They all nodded.

Sketch held out his hand and said, "C'mon, Kui. What's gotten under your skin? You can tell us."

Kuinevi turned around, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "I'm about to tell you a chapter in the story of my life that I thought would be closed forever. It all started when I was 16. One year after my first encounter with Niikuev. 8 years ago. I had decided to go enlist in the Byns army and be a man. So many years ago..."

Kuinevi had been enlisted in the Byns army. His first operation was to go to the BertBert world where there was a weasel infestation in the big city. Kuinevi, along with the other soldiers, were given a month of free time so they could either visit their family, friends, girlfriends or homes before they embarked on their journey.

Kuinevi didn't go to his family, because his uncle Semaje, who he was living with at the time, was busy rearranging his socks, putting up new wall paper and feeding stray pets. As for his parents, King Trebob still hated him and then there was Niikuev who was staying with them. If he went to visit them, with Niikuev in the house, him and Niikuev would rip the place apart. As for friends and girlfriends, well, Kuinevi had none of those. He was lonely. So, he decided to spend his time in some bar outside of town.

When Kuinevi walked in, he went up to the bartender and said, "Barkeep, what have you in the way of drinks?"

The bartender was a Byns with a Skullmonkey's head, arms and torso with a Hoodian stem and Ynt legs. He was wearing an apron that said "Kiss the kiester." on the side of it.

The Byns spoke to Kuinevi in a gruff tone. "We got whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, booze, wine and sewage."

Kuinevi looked to the bartender and said "Really? No chocolate milk?"

All Byns in the room guffawed. The bartender laughed in a hoarse tone at Kuinevi. "Haw! Chocolate milk. Haw-haw-haw! Funny."

Kuinevi banged his fist on the table and said, "I DEMAND some chocolate milk!"

The bartender grasped Kuinevi around the neck and dragged him towards himself. "Listen PUNK," he said, "who do y'think y'are demandin' what you want?"

Kuinevi placed his hand around the wrist of the bartender and said in a low tone, "I am Prince Kuinevi Mautejj of the Mautejj family line, son of King Trebob the Stinky. And as prince, I demand some chocolate... milk..."

The bartender jumped back and said "Gah! Y-y-yes, sir!"

The Byns ran into the back and came back with a glass of chocolate milk. He handed the glass to Kuinevi and said "Here. Chocolate milk. On the house! I milked the cow myself! Honest!"

Kuinevi smiled, nodded, drank the milk and said, "Thank you, my good man. It tastes lovely."

The Byns sighed and continued to serve the other customers. As Kuinevi finished off the glass, he turned around and saw a vision of loveliness. He saw before him, the most beautiful Byns female he ever layed his Yntian eyes on. She sat alone at one of the tables, drinking water. She had features that would attract any Byns male: A Ynt's head with Neverhoodian stem, Hoodian arms and torso, one button on her chest, Ynt wings and long, slender Skullmonkey's legs with Hoodian feet.

Kuinevi, dazzled by her beauty, went over and sat next to her. "Hi." He said. The woman's voice had an unfamiliar accent. "Hey.."

Kuinevi leaned his head on his hand and said, "So, what's a beautiful woman like you doing in a run-down, old, dung-pit like this?"

Behind him, he heard the bartender go, "Hey! I built this dung-pit with my bare paws, thank you very much!"

The woman shrugged and replied to Kuinevi, "I dunno. I got nowhere else to go."

Kuinevi, not knowing what to do next, decided to say his name. He outstretched his hand and said "I'm Kuinevi."

The woman shook his hand and said, "I'm Liyas."

Kuinevi repeated the name in a quiet voice, "Liyas.."

Kuinevi decided to act fast and ask her out on a date. "Uh.... gee... uh... wanna go on a... a... a date?"

Liyas grinned and said, "Okay. When and where?"

Kuinevi's brain froze. He didn't know where to take Liyas on their first date. Then, a jarble of words came from his mouth, "I will take you to the fanciest restaurant in town and pay for the entire dinner. Friday night."

Liyas smiled and said, "Really? You'd do that for me?"

Kuinevi nodded. Liyas lept from her seat and hugged Kuinevi very hard, nearly squeezing the life from him. She then got up and left, winking at Kuinevi. Kuinevi waved at her as she left and then realized what he just offered her: Dinner at the fanciest restaurant in town, and HE was paying! He let out a very loud "D'OH!" and decided to find some money.

He searched every nook and cranny of the planet, finding what money he could: Pennies, gold coins, fake coins, dimes. He even found 40 gold coins lying in the street, but they were glued to the ground by some punk kids. This proved no problem as he tore the coins from the ground with his great strength.

At the dinner with Liyas, everything was going well. He bought her a whole quart of Byns wine and served it to her himself. And when he payed for the dinner, he felt as if Liyas loved him even more. The waiter, however, looked at him strangely as he gave the waiter 40 gold coins that happened to have pieces of concrete stuck to them.

Escorting Liyas home, he told her about his life. His heretage, Niikuev, all the kids at school making fun of him, even enlisting in the army. Liyas was surprised and impressed by all this. When they reached Liyas' house, Kuinevi recieved a message in the form of a paper airplane from the General of the Byns army that hit Kuinevi in the back of the head. Kuinevi removed it from his back and read it.

It said, "Dear loser, get yer scrawny little be-hind to the army base. We're leaving to fight the weasels TOMORROW. Singed, General Harg Bowaak."

Kuinevi set down the letter and said, "It's tomorrow?"

Liyas looked at him confusedly and asked, "What's tomorrow?"

Kuinevi turned around and said, "It's nothing. I just have to leave for a while. I'll be back soon. I hope..."

Just as Kuinevi was about to leave, Liyas stopped him to give him a kiss on the lips. Kuinevi, after being kissed, kissed Liyas back and left for the army base.

"HOLD IT!" shouted KookedKlay. KookedKlay pointed towards Kuinevi and said "You KISSED her? Eeewwww! Mental picture!"

Tramen turned to KookedKlay and said, "Kooked. That isn't very nice."

KookedKlay turned to Tramen and said, "I'm sorry, Tra. Sorry, Kui. Please, continue."

Kuinevi sighed and continued with the flashback.

Throughout the entire trip to BertBert's planet and while the army was sent to confront the weasels, Kuinevi, the whole time, had a stupid look on his face and looked as if he was in some kind of trance. People had tried to snap him out of it, but nothing worked. He had completely forgotten he was supposed to be fighting the Weasels until he heard General Bowaak scream at him, while he was still thinking of Liyas, "SOLDIER! DO YOU NOT REALIZE THAT ONE OF THE WEASELS HAS GRABBED YOU BY THE LEG, HAS YOU HUNG UPSIDE DOWN AND IS NOW PREPARING TO EAT YOU?!"

Kuinevi didn't realize what he meant until he saw that a large, purple weasel HAD actually grabbed him by his leg and was holding him upside-down. He also noticed that it was wearing a napkin around what neck it had. Kuinevi instantly reacted to this seizing the beast by one of it's monsterous legs and flinging it into outer space. Kuinevi then continued on with the battle against the weasels, and every chance he got, thinking of Liyas.

When they had won the battle against the weasels, General Bowaak wished to speak with Kuinevi before he could be sent home for 3 or so months.

The general approached Kuinevi just as he was about to leave and said, "Soldier, you fought well. There's just one thing I don't understand."

Kuinevi turned around and asked, "Yes, sir?"

"WHY WERE YOU MOST OF THE TIME IN A TRANCE?!!" The general bellowed at Kuinevi.

Kuinevi cowered before the general and said in a small voice, "Well, there's a reason, sir. You see, I'm in love..."

The general perked up, blushed and said, "Aww, shucks, kid. Y'all are pretty cute, too."

Kuinevi blinked and said, "No, sir. I'm in love with a beautiful Byns female. I don't know what to do when I meet her again."

The general stopped blushing and said, trying not to laugh himself silly from embarressment, "Ah! *Ahem.* Yes, well... uh... Well, then... heh-heh... I suggest that you... er... MARRY her, sonny!"

Kuinevi whipped his head around and said, "MARRY HER? Isn't that a bit... forward?"


Kuinevi bolted out the door and went to buy himself a ring.

Kuinevi went to wait by Liyas' place, wearing a tuxedo, roses in one hand and a ring in the other. He continued to wait for Liyas. And so, he waited. And waited. And waited. He continued to stand there and was about to go home when he thought he heard Liyas' voice. He hid in the bushes and saw Liyas coming home - with another Byns! The Byns looked more muscular than him, built like a plowing animal. His entire body was Neverhoodian, except for his left arm, which was Yntian, his right arm, which was Skullmonkian, and his mouth, which instead of lips, had Ynt's mandibles.

Kuinevi gazed in horror at the two as they laughed and kissed. Kuinevi got so angry that he shattered the ring he was to give to Liyas with his bare hands and shot straight up. He looked at Liyas with fire in his eyes. "Why didn't you just plunge a KNIFE into my back?"

He screamed at Liyas. Liyas whipped her head around and said "Kuinevi! Um.. hi. Uh... what are you doing here?"

Kuinevi's fists clenched as he said, with teeth gritted, "I was going to propose to you... But, you had to fall for another man! I thought you'd be different from the others. I thought that YOU'D actually love me. We-he-he-heeeellllllllll, I guess I was wrong! Go ahead! Date him! Marry him! Massage his feet! Do whatever you want with him! See if I CARE!"

And with that, Kuinevi fled from Liyas' sight. Liyas tryed to go after him, but she was too late. Kuinevi had already vanished into the shadows.

Kuinevi perched himself atop a hill later that evening. He was far from Liyas, now. He picked up the roses he was to give to her, looked at them and wept. He then stood up and flung them off the hill. They scattered throughout the valley, landing on every rock, next to every tree and near every person who happened to pass them. Kuinevi then stood up, turned around, and walked back home with a broken heart.

"And, that's my story." Kuinevi said, a tear still in his eye. Doodles and the others said nothing for a while. Just as Doodles was about to say something, Kuinevi stopped her and said, "No. Please don't. Just leave. Please..."

Doodles made a gesture to the others that Kuinevi wanted to be alone. And so, they left.

Later that evening, Kuinevi sat himself atop the Dynamite Shack, looking up at the star-lit sky. Just as he was about to jump off and leave for where he was staying at the moment, behind the Gourd, someone placed a rose in front of Kuinevi's face. Kuinevi held up the rose, turned around and saw Doodles, smiling at him.

Doodles sat next to Kuinevi and said, "Happy Valentines Day, Kui."

Kuinevi snorted and replied, grumpily, "What's so happy about it? She broke my heart, Dooby-doo."

Doodles hugged the large Byns and said "Don't worry, Kuin. There's someone for everyone. Liyas... just wasn't that someone. I'm sure you'll find someone, someday."

Kuinevi turned his head slowly towards Doodles and said, "You think so?"

Doodles patted Kuinevi's shoulder and replied, "I know so."

Kuinevi smiled back, thanked Doodles and left for home with one thought in mind: 'There's someone for everyone...'


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