Story by Kuinevi
Niikuev is a registered trademark of the Kuinevi corperation. Try to use him without permission and thou shalt be stricken with Mad Cow disease.
It was a fine Hoodian afternoon and Kjumen was by the Whales Mouth. Kjumen had just finished eating a sandwich and wanted another.
Just as he was approaching the Gourd to make another sandwich, he was encountered by a being. This being looked almost exactly like Kuinevi, except he didn't have a stem on his head, his legs were blue Neverhoodian legs, he had one button on his chest and his arms couldn't be seen due to a rather evil looking cape that drenched across the sides of his body, and, attached to the cape, were 2 capped shoulder pads. Across the neck of this being was a strange-looking amulet with a ruby in the centre.
Kjumen looked at the Kuinevi-look-alike and said, in a puzzled tone "Ith that you, Kuinevi? You look rather different thith morning. Did you get a hair cut?"
The being glowered at Kjumen and replied in a deep, growling tone "Where is he?"
Kjumen blinked and asked "Where ith who? There'th several 'he'th' in the Neverhood."
The being grasped the throat of Kjumen and roared "Don't lie to me, Hoodian!! Where is Kuinevi?!?!?"
Kjumen was finally able to look at the beings' arms as he grabbed his neck. The arms were like that of Kuinevi's, except the color of the arms and fingers were reversed. So, the arms were brown and the fingers were red.
Kjumen looked back at this rather impolite being and said in a frightened voice "I-I dunno. He jutht kind of wanderth around. He moveth from plathe to plathe every month. I don't know where he'th living now. Honetht."
The being smiled evilly at Kjumen and said in a calmer voice. "Oh, I think I know how to get him out...."
Later that day, the being perched himself atop the Nursery, still holding Kjumen by the neck and shouted "Hear me, Hoodians. I have one of your brothers hostage! Bring the Byns named Kuinevi to me, or the Hoodian shall be destroyed real fancy like!"
All Hoodians gathered around the Nursery to see what this evil being was up to. The being looked at all of them, snarled and shouted "Do you not care about this Hoodian? If you do care for him, bring Kuinevi to me!"
One Hoodian raised his hand and said "Excuse me? Mr Evil person? We...don't exactly know where Kuinevi.....is.."
One Hoodian, Doodles, shot up her hand and said "I know where he is! Don't do nothing 'til I come back, please."
The being rolled back his eyes and replied "Fine. Fine. Just be quick about it. I'm a very busy evil being."
Later, Doodles found Kuinevi lounging by the Mulberry bush, repeatedly dropping a Mulberry and picking it up. He picked up the Mulberry and said, in a sarcastic tone "This is fun...."
Doodles ran up to him and said "Kui, there's a very mean person holding Kjumen hostage and wants to talk to you."
Kuinevi looked up from what he was doing and replied "A very mean person. Hm...This looks like a job for...." He shot straight up, struck a dramtic pose and finished "ME!!!"
Doodles looked at Kuinevi and said "Uh....Kui? Did you know you were sitting on a Mulberry? In fact, a MULTIUDE of Mulberries?"
Kuinevi looked at his pants and saw that there were about 30 squished mulberries on the back of his shorts. Kuinevi looked disgusted at it and said "Ohh....just when I was being dramatic."
He then turned to Doodles and said "Tell Mr Evil guy I'll be there in five minutes."
He then turned a corner and disappeared. Doodles just stood there and replied "O....kay, but don't take to long."
Doodles returned to the Evil Kuinevi and said that Kuinevi would be along shortly.
Some time after she said that, the evil Kuinevi was getting impatient. He started tapping his feet angrily and staring visciously at other Hoodians. His grip around Kjumen's neck was getting tighter, as well.
The being then stopped tapping his feet and said, in a low tone "His time...is up.."
All the other Hoodians gazed up at the being and started muttering to one another. Doodles stepped forward and said "Don't worry! He's probably cleaning his teeth!"
The being snarled at Doodles and repeated, in a deeper tone "His time...is UP.."
He then lifted Kjumen up and said "The being shall have to be destroyed."
Doodles looked up and screamed "NO! WAIT!"
The being held his finger up to Kjumen's head and chuckled diabolically.
Suddenly, Kjumen vanished! The being, along with the other Hoodians, looked around to see if they could find Kjumen. Sarlakk looked to the Pipe House and shouted "Look! There!"
All Hoodians, including the evil being, looked to the Pipe House. There, they saw Kuinevi standing there, holding Kjumen. He set Kjumen down and looked up. He then said in a serious tone "Sorry I'm late."
The evil being smirked demonically and said, in a pleased voice "Better late than never, Prince Kuinevi Mautejj..."
Kuinevi whipped his head towards the Nursery and gazed in horror at the being. Both Kuinevi and the evil being exchanged looks. Kuinevi looked at the evil being with a look of horror. The being looked at Kuinevi with a look of smugness. All Hoodians looked at the two gaze at each other for a minute.
Doodles blinked, folded her arms and said "Are they just gonna stand there?"
Kuinevi regained his serious look and lept onto the Nursery with the being. The being closed his eyes and spoke to Kuinevi in an unknown language. All Hoodians looked at each other, trying to figure out what he was saying. Kuinevi looked back at the being and replied in the same language. Luckily Noremen was able to record the conversation just in case.
The being lowered his head after a five minute discussion with Kuinevi in that unknown language and replied in a normal voice "Very well then. If you will not join my side, then you will be destroyed. I will see you in two days."
The being shrouded himself in his cape and vanished saying "Moste, Kuinevi Mautejj. Baana kiota.."
Kuinevi lowered his head and jumped off the Nursery. He landed on his feet and adjusted his posture. He then looked up at all the puzzled Hoodian faces and said in a puzzled tone "What?"
Instantly after Kuinevi said that, all Hoodians started to ask him various questions: "Who was he?" "What did he want?" "Would he really hurt Kjumen?"
Kuinevi spread them out and said "I can answer all your questions, later."
Sarlakk stuck his head out of the crowd and said "Later? We wanna know now!"
Kuinevi lowered his head and said "Okay..okay...let me tell you a story."
All Hoodians sat down and listened. Kuinevi sat down on the fountain and said "This all started 3 years before my father learned about me not wanting to be king. He thought that his kingdom would crumble without an heir. He wanted another child, but mother didn't want any more kids."
Doodles sat next to Kuinevi and said "Is he..your brother?"
Kuinevi lowered his head more and said "No. Let me talk some more, please. Anyway, dad wanted another kid, mom said no. So, dad went to a genetics lab and made a clone of me.. My Uncle Semaje was there when it happened."
KookedKlay walked up to Kuinevi, sat in front of him and said "What was the clone's name?"
Kuinevi responded in a low tone "Niikuev..."
All Hoodians looked ay each other and started to talk. Doodles patted Kuinevi on the shoulder and said "What happened next?"
Kuinevi continued "Niikuev, after being made, looked at father and attacked. He slaughtered the scientists, nearly destroyed the lab and almost destroyed my dad. Semaje stopped him by sealing him inside a cryo-chamber. Father released him 3 years later when he learned I didn't want to be king. Niikuev told him he learned his lesson and decided to be good. That was, obviously, a lie."
One Hoodian looked at Kuinevi in a confused way and said "How do you know this?"
Kuinevi replied in a lower tone "My uncle Semaje told me what happened. He told me when I encountered him."
Doodles gazed at Kuinevi and said "You met him?"
Kuinevi gazed at Doodles and replied "When I was sixteen. Its a long story...Right now, I got to get ready.."
Kuinevi stood up and began to walk back to the Mulberry bush, when Doodles stopped him and asked "Ready for what?"
KookedKlay also asked "What were you and Niiky talking about?"
Kuinevi turned back around and said "I'll answer Kooked's question, first: Niikuev was trying to get me to join his side and help him conquer the universe and stuff. I turned it down. Now, he's challenged me to a fight. That's what I gotta be ready for."
Sarlakk grabbed Kuinevi and said "Don't do it, man! If he can scare you like that, this means he must be some powerful freak."
Kuinevi shrugged off Sarlakk and said "I gotta. A Byns gotta do what a Byns gotta do."
Kuinevi then continued on his way. One Hoodian, after Kuinevi was out of sight, said "There goes one stupid, stupid man."
Two days passed...
Kuinevi was now ready to face Niikuev. Niikuev was standing atop CatHead Mountain, looking at all the glory of the Neverhood. He snarled at this beauty, like a caged beast. Kuinevi appeared behind him, fully armored and ready for battle. He stood there, ready, willing and able.
Niikuev turned around to face Kuinevi. He smiled and said "I see you've accepted my offer.. What a fool.."
Kuinevi glowered at Niikuev and said "Why are you wearing royalty armor? Only members of royalty can wear that armor."
Niikuev smirked and said "You didn't know? I took over your father's kingdom."
Kuinevi's eyes widened and he said, shocked "Dad gave you his kingdom?"
Niikuev instantly burst into laughter. After he stopped laughing he said, gleefully "No, you idiot. I STOLE it from him. When he wasn't looking, I removed him of his rulership and corrupted his guards. He's probably sleeping in the gutter, somewhere.."
Kuinevi's fists tightened, he growled at Niikuev and said "And mother?"
Niikuev chortled and repiled "Who, Nacud? HAH! She's alive. I think.."
Kuinevi roared at him "You THINK?! What have you done?"
Niikuev smiled and said "I placed her in an energy absorbing chamber. It keeps her from using the Air Drill and breaking out. She MIGHT be alive. I occasionally check."
Kuinevi's fists tightened more. He whipped his head up and bellowed "Enough talk! It's time to be impeached!!"
Kuinevi lunged at Niikuev at full force. Just as Kuinevi was about to use a flying kick on him, Niikuev teleported away. Kuinevi landed on the other side of the mountain, he didn't realize he hit Niikuev until he landed. Then, Niikuev appeared behind him and knocked him off the mountain. Kuinevi landed on his back, in front of the teleporter. Niikuev landed next to him laughing like a madman. He then looked down on the wounded Kuinevi and said "Now you see that I am stronger than you.. This was a mistake, I told you. Say hello to the afterlife for me, now."
He raised his index finger at Kuinevi, laughing away.
Suddenly, someone batted Niikuev with a tree branch. Niikuev staggered back up and saw who hit him: It was KookedKlay.
He raised his hand to him and screamed "Green-headed FILTH!!"
Then, a mulberry smacked Niikuev dead on. Niikuev saw who hit him, this time: It was Sarlakk, with several mulberries in hand.
Pretty soon, every Neverhoodian had surrounded Niikuev. Niikuev smirked and said "Another time, Hoodians.."
He then shrouded himself in his cape and teleported away.
Doodles lifted Kuinevi up and asked, in a worried voice "Kui, you okay?"
Kuinevi stood himself up and said "Uh..I've nearly broken every limb I have, but I'm cool."
He then looked around and asked "Hey, why'd you come here? This was practically suicide, facing Niikuev."
Sarlakk, still holding some mulberries, replied "We couldn't leave our friend to fight that nasty guy alone, so we decided to help."
Kuinevi blinked stupidly and said, confused "You.. did that for me?"
All the hoodians nodded in agreement.
"Aww, thanks guys." Kuinevi said. He then struck a dramatic pose and said "I don't know how to say this, but Niikuev could prove to be a problem. And whenever he is, I'll be there to confront him."
Doodles interrupted his dramatic moment "Uh...Kui? You..kinda got mulberries on your shorts again.."
Kuinevi looked at the back of shorts to reveal that there were, once again, lots of smooshed mulberries on the back of his shorts. "Ohh...." He said, annoyed. "Always when I'm dramatic.."