Story by Kuinevi

Noremen and Shoddy are registered trademarks of the Doodles corporation.

It was another beautiful day at the Neverhood. What sun they had was shining, the sheep were eating and pooping, Hammerboy was eating his breakfast: Frosted Hammers, and Kuinevi Mautejj was conversing with the son of Ottoborg, Noremen.

Kuinevi and Noremen were just talking when Kuinevi, noticing Noremen's left arm, said unto him, "Hey, Normy. Why do you have a metal arm?"

The cyborg-Hoopie gazed up at Kuinevi and replied, "It got bit off by a Victoid. Ottoborg gave me new arm, though to replace me old one."

Kuinevi blinked, and gazed down at the arm.

"Hmm.." He said.

Noremen looked at Kuinevi and asked, "How come you not disgusted? Usually when I tell someone me arm story, they get all sicky-sick."

Kuinevi, still looking at the arm, replied, "One of my cousins got his arm bitten off by a Victoid."

Noremen blinked and said "Him got metal arm, too?"

Kuinevi looked up and replied, "No. He got a leaf-blower attached. He got a job cleaning dad's driveway around fall. But, he quit 'cause he didn't get enough pay."

Noremen's eyes widened in fascination.

"Wowwwwwww." He said, in wonder.

Suddenly, Noremen looked at his right arm's light and said, "Uh-oh. Another pass-out."

Kuinevi looked at Noremen confused and asked, "Pass-out?"

Noremen looked up and said, "I have them sometimes. I better not have a BIG pass-out, or I might go nuts."

Then, suddenly, the light started to blink very, very fast. He then screamed "BIG PASS-OUT!!!!!"

Instantly, Noremen stood up and started running around the room, wildly.

Kuinevi stood up and said, "Noremen, what-"

Before Kuinevi could finish, Noremen clocked him with his left, metallic, arm. Kuinevi fell to the floor, unconscious. Just as Noremen turned around, someone belted him with a 2x4. With that, Noremen looked up and saw who hit him: it was Doodles.

"Thanks, Doo." Noremen said, patting her on the shoulder. "I needed that."

Doodles looked at the comatose-Kuinevi and said "Is he otay? Him no look good."

Noremen, looking at Kuinevi, said "I'm sure him alright. Just to make sure, though."

Noremen rushed over to Kuinevi's limp body, knelt down and started slapping him. "Kui. KUI! Kui-kui, wakeys."

One of Kuinevi's eyes opened, slowly. It looked around the room rapidly, not focusing on anything.

"Kui, you otay?"

Kuinevi replied with a 'Hrg.'

Noremen stood up and said, "I'm sure he's okay. We'll check up on him in an hour, and if he's still like this, we'll bring him to Hoborg."

Doodles blinked and said "Otay. I hope you okayz, K."

With that, with hope Kuinevi would be okay, they left.

For what seemed like 3 days, Kuinevi was missing. No one knew his whereabouts or if he was even alive. Then one day, Kuinevi appeared, but he was different. Doodles, KookedKlay and Arsenic were gathered around the Nursery, talking to each other when Doodles turned her head and screamed "LOOK! IT'S KUI!"

Everyone's eyes turned towards the dynamite shack. There stood Kuinevi, but something was different. His left eye was larger than the right, he had on his face a grin that looked both sadistic and insane, his stance was crooked and instead of shorts, he was wearing a kilt.

Doodles looked at Kuinevi and said unto him, "Are...you okies, Kui?"

Kuinevi lifted his head, which caused him to almost fall back, fixed his vision towards the group and he said, "Maan-dia lauvious. Atsierai FwaGwedd nii bouko."

Kookedklay looked at Kuinevi with a confused expression and said, "Have you been dipping into Arsenic's chemicals again? If I told ya once I've told ya 3 times: chemicals are bad."

Suddenly, Kuinevi shouted, "Atserai, atserai gabaena loko!"

He then did several flips in the air. This caused everyone to avert their eyes, for fear Kuinevi's kilt would fly up. When one Hoodian took a peek at what Kuinevi was doing, to his surprize, Kuinevi had vanished!

"Hey, everyone! Him went byez." The Hoodian shouted. Everyone turned to the spot Kuinevi was. Just as the Hoodian said, he was gone.

Doodles scratched her chin and said, "Where could he have gone? Listen, everyone, we gotta find him. He could get hurt."

All the Hoodians in the vascinity looked to each other, disagreeing.

Arsenic stood up, placed his arm around Doo's shoulder and said, "Don't worry, mate. I know how they'll help us."

He then stood atop the Nursery and shouted "Ok, listen up, mates."

Every Hoodian turned towards Arsenic.

Arsenic continued to shout, "First one who finds Kuinevi, and brings 'im to me gets a brick of klay!"

All the Hoodians, except for Doodles and Willie, looked up and beamed. 2 seconds later, all Neverhoodians, except for Doodles, Arsenic and Willie, had dispersed screaming "Gangway! That brick o' klay is mine!"

Doodles turned her attention towards Arsenic and said "Well, that worked."

Elsewhere in the Neverhood, Kuinevi was slinking around muttering Byns poetry which translated as "The flowers, they fall from the sky like a seal. And they taste of freshly made, soap-flavoured veal."

He then encountered Shoddy, Doodles' Neverhoodian twin. He was sitting there, playing a game of chess with Gibbie, the KlayMouse.

Kuinevi then approached Shoddy and shouted "Ah, dongo!"

He then sat down next to Shoddy and placed his arm around his shoulder. Shoddy only stared at him. Kuinevi looked back at Shoddy and laughed in a triumphant tone. He then turned to a passing group of FwaSheep and screamed in a falsetto tone, "AAAAAAAAAAAAH-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

He then lunged at one of the FwaSheep at blinding speed and captured one of them. The others looked in horror and sped away. Doodles then appeared and saw Kuinevi, using the captured FwaSheep as a puppet. Kuinevi turned to the FwaSheep that he had stuck on his hand and started putting on a puppet show. He then had the FwaSheep say the poetry he was muttering, this time in a deep triumphant voice.

Doodles approached Kuinevi and said, "Kui, its me, Doos."

Kuinevi whipped his head to Doodles and threw the FwaSheep at her. Doodles caught the FwaSheep and set it down.

She then continued towards Kuinevi and said, "FwaSheep aren't for tossing. I want to help you Kui."

Kuinevi only looked at her and said in his normal, non-Byns-language, voice, "You are mistaken. You do not want to help me. You want to see the Jelly spill on isle 6 cleaned up by the undead wearing lederhosen and eating Jell-o."

Doodles cocked her head to the right and said, "Uh...yes. I do. But, first I want to see you better."


He then sat back down and crawled away, giggling like a maniac.

"Painted green? Crank in his side?" Doodles said, in a small tone. Her eyes then widened and she screamed, "Stinky weasel music box!!"

She then rushed after Kuinevi. Kuinevi looked behind him, saw Doodles rushing towards him and dissapeared into the shadows.

Doodles stopped in her tracks and said, "I gotta get there before him. He might get the W-w-weasel..to appear.."

Doodles made it to the dynamite shack back yard too late. When she arrived, Kuinevi was already there, petting the music box.

Kuinevi looked up, saw Doodles and said, "I know what you want! You want to get my friend! Well, you won't get him THIS WAY!"

After saying that, he went around the corner and came back 5 seconds later with the music box strapped to his butt. "HA-HA! LETS SEE YOU GET IT NOW!!!" He screamed in a triumphant, yet uncertain voice.

Kuinevi turned around just in time to see a mallet hitting him upside the head. Doodles saw who it was who hit him: KookedKlay.

"YAAAAAAYYY!!" He beamed "One brick of klay is mine!" KookedKlay then did his victory dance which looked like a mexican hat dance. When he looked at where his bounty was supposed to be, there was only a piece of cheese. This meant that Doodles took Kuinevi with her. KookedKlay didn't care much, though. He just sat down with his piece of cheese and said, "I like cheese."

Doodles had brought Kuinevi to Arsenic for an examination.

Arsenic, after closely examining Kuinevi, went up to Doodles and said, "I've made 2 discoveries: One- Kuinevi has discovered a taste for liquid nitrogen. Two- A piece of Kuinevi's brain is missing. His sensible gland. Without it, Byns are unable to think straight. Unless we find a way to fix his brain, he's gonna remain this way forever."

Doodles had a look of worry on her face. She then looked at Kuinevi eating his leather straps ranting about the Frozen Wastelands of Walla-walla-ding-dong.

She then looked back at Arsenic and said, "I'm gonna find his gland. I'll go talk to Noremen. He's the guy that clubbed him."

And so, she did. She began to interrigate Noremen the way the detectives did.

"Where were you the morning you whacked Kuinevi?" she said in an Al Capone voice.

Noremen responded, "You were there when you got me out of me pass-out, weren't you?"

Doodles thought about that and said in her normal voice, "Oh, yeah. Never mind then."

She then zipped off. Back at the lab, Arsenic was talking to Kuinevi about his symptoms.


Doodles rushed in holding a small, greenish-brown booger-like thingy and screamed, "Here is gland! Gland is here!"

Arsenic whipped his head towards Doodles and said, "Good! Good! Where was it?"

Doodles placed it in Arsenic's hands, smiled and replied, "I found Frenchie giving it a happy drool!"

Arsenic looked at the gland and said, "I'll.. wash my hands later."

He then placed the gland inside of Kuinevi's ear and waited.

A minute later, Kuinevi shot straight up and screamed, "GWAAGH! What? Who? Where? When? How? Why? Which? Who once again!"

Doodles sat next to Kuinevi and explained the whole thing to him.

Kuinevi looked at his hands and said, "I wore a KILT?"

"You're still wearing it." Doodles pointed out.

Kuinevi looked down at the kilt which he was wearing during his time as a lunatic. He then looked at the others and said in a small voice "Does this make me look fat?"


Back to the Stories!