In the Lab
Story by DoodLeS
(Note from Doodles: Man, that must have been one of my WEIRDEST days - I can't believe I acted like that... well, I had no sleep for days before. I guess that's the reason... Yeah.... Oh well, read it. It's the third of the three VERY strange experiences I had in my life. I'm glad that the rest of my life will prolly be much more peaceful...)
Yes... since I've become Doodles (it's about half a year ago now, I think), a lot of embarrassing and weird things have happened to me. I mean, I turned from human to a loop-headed Klay being, I visited another world through my personal just-4-me dimension portal, I mutated into some sort of were-dinosaur, and I think sometime I should get my head checked.. o%-.
And I KNEW that THIS here would happen to me, sometime. It was just logical.
You see, when I change worlds, my body generates after a while - on Earth I'm a human being, in the Neverhood I turn to Klay. Funny thing is: Though I was originally human, I need hours or days to generate after coming to Earth - turning to Klay in the 'Hood only needs a few minutes.
AND: While my klayen form is stable, being in the Neverhood, my human form seems to... fade, sometimes. Then I become Doodles without even coming near the 'Hood... Normally I can feel that before it happens, and I can hide somewhere so that no human being can see me, but on some days, when my human life just SUCKS, it happens so fast that I can't do anything about it - I knew: Someday, they'll get me.
Well, I guess that day has come. I was bored at work - SO bored.... I had to think of the Neverhood and my friends there all the time - and it happened: I became Doodles, with at least twenty people seeing it...
Heh, their reactions were, I must confess, kinda fun. Some of them screamed (mainly men!) and ran away, some stared shocked at me, and some others just said things like "Oh BUGGER!" and fainted! Heehee! Never seen a Klay being before, guys?
But, well, two of them didn't scream or stare or faint, but they grabbed me from behind and carried me to a white van with the inscript "LiFEx - Labs".
"LifeForm Experiments??" - Oh no, I didn't know they were here today! Curious blighters! They drove me to a big building - I just KNEW that this won't be my favorite day.
Well, I'm in here for HOURS now, and they keep doing those ridiculous experiments on me. Hidiots.
First they used X-rays to find out about my inner self - heh! I think it upset them a bit that I have no bones at all.
Then they wanted to check my blood - they must be kidding! I think I made my opinion quite clear when I ate their syringe-thingies.
After I had swallowed their whole set of those pointy instruments they wanted to know more about my stomach - they wanted to know WHAT I eat and how much of it! Hah! Startin' with me, huh? I ate, well-behaved as I am, everything they gave me - including tons of fruits, various sorts of meat, bugs, chemicals and some of their machines. I couldn't resist to ask for more afterwards, grinning at them innocently. The only thing I didn't touch were the donuts - they marked it in their notebooks as "no usage for sugar pastries".
Now they wanted to become REALLY intimate - they began with checkin' my hoop, trying to find out its purpose. I needed all my will-power not to laugh out loud - they really thought it had a purpose?
Then they told me to take off my clothes - they needed quite a while to find out that THIS was how I looked like. And they were quite disappointed when I told them that I was genderless anyways.
They didn't even TRY to interview me - I would have told them everything they wanted to know, if they just had asked nicely. But noooo, they preferred to tie my hands and feet to their full-automized examination couch. At least it was comfy - they had given me some nice fluffy pillows to lie on, since my backspikes had ruined the leather of their oh-so-valuable couch. (I'm SO sorry.) After making sure I couldn't escape they all left the room.
From my position I couldn't see too much - just a big mirror in the wall. Once again, I saw how nifty I looked like, even while tied to this stupid furniture.
Did they REALLY think I didn't know that they were all sitting behind that mirror and watching me? If I had been able to, I'd have waved or made some faces at them. But ok, have it that way. Let's see who of us is the most patient starer. I looked at the mirror and didn't move until they gave up watching me after about 20 minutes and entered the room again.
Let's see what they'll do next...
"Professor, this being is FASCINATING!" Their apprentice said.
"Lemme goooooooooo now." (They totally ignored my mumbling.)
"All our tests are useless - I wonder from where it comes." The professor scratched his nose.
"Play more computer games." I stated under my breath.
The prof turned to me. "What was that?"
"I said: Park my car, James." I told him a bit louder.
He just shook his head. "This being is totally insane! But it seems to know much about our civilization - it must have been here for a long time!"
"Twenty'n'one years, if I'm not mistaken." I mumbled.
They turned to me again. "What?"
"Heck, proffie - lemme go. For Quaters sake, this here is even more boring than the big Popeye-cartoon-night!"
That guy in white focused me even more. "Who's 'Quater'?"
I blinked. "Huh? What? I din't say 'Quater' - I said 'Heaven'."
The professor and the apprentice looked at each other. Then the fuzz-man spoke to me again. "What goes on in your brain, creature?"
I turned my head away. "I want dadday."
They shook their heads. "Ok, Benns - connect him to the machine. We'll take its brain activities."
The prof's sidekick tried to connect those, those... nipple things to my head - he needed half an hour, because they didn't stick on Klay and my rather uncommon head-shape. When they finally turned the machine on and the needles of it didn't show any reaction at all (well, I tried my best), the two scientists became rather cranky.
Their brain-scanner was completely useless - the helmet was constructed for humans, or at least humanoids. I congrated myself another time to be a hoop-head.
"What's this thing on its chest?" The prof asked suddenly.
I looked up at him, following where his eyes were pointing. "Oh NO! Not my chest-button! You'll keep your dirty fingers away from that, will ya?" I 'grrrr'd.
"Chest-button, huh?" The doc said in thoughtful tones.
I tried to get my hands free when he closed up to me, focusing my button. "Don't press! I hate that!!!"
He pressed. When my little chest-hatch opened the two geniusses stared in surprise, took their darn notebooks out and scribbled some other stuff on it.
"I wonder what's in there..." the professor asked himself.
"HEY! Keep your hands out off my chest, hear ya? That's privacy!" I yelled.
First he tried to see what's inside with his lamp he always carries around - but when the hole in my body stayed black he PUT HIS HAND INSIDE!
"Well, well.... what do we have here...." he babbled.
"PRIVATE PROPERTIES!!!! KEEP OUT!!!!" I kept on shouting.
He pulled some of my KlayPapers out, and some of my favorite toys. "Fascinating...."
He put my stuff to the side, then he reached into my chest again. A loud *snap* could be heard, and the prof started screaming some words *I* didn't even know.
I grinned. "Oh, so you've found my mousetrap, eh? Search on, perhaps you'll find the beartrap, too."
He gave me a sour stare and stopped roaming in my body.
"Could you please close my chest now?" I said flatly, "I don't want to have icky things falling into it. And there's a draught. And PUT MY STUFF IN AGAIN!"
Finally, for the first time of the day, he did what I said. But then he started to examine me again. "Hm... I wonder how this button works... I'll try to screw it off."
He started to meddle with my button again.
"Stop DOING that! You can't screw it off!" I argued.
"We'll see that." He answered calmly, turning my button another time around.
And another time.
Suddenly my chest-compartment opened and a BIG fist-onna-spring came out, hitting the prof right into his ugly face! Hah!
"Hey cool", I stated, "I didn't know THAT function before!" I grinned again.
When the prof was upright again, with a nice black eye as I saw with pleasure, he raised his tones. "Ok! That's it! We do ONE other test -"
"- THEN we'll give you to my colleagues next door! Let's see if you still argue if you've been cut into tiny SLICES!" Now HE started grinning.
"Benns! The knife!"
"KNIVE?? Hey, is it meal-time yet??" I asked, but my humor had gone, really.
"Don't worry. We'll just take a little sample of your skin..."
"Will that hurt?" I looked up at the man in white.
I HATED it when other people started such jokes on me...
He positioned the knife on my left arm.
"Hey! Take my right arm, if it must be! I need my left one for drawing!"
He cut. And I'm SURE that wasn't only a piece of my skin! The professor put the small Klay-lump into one of his beakers.
"Professor!" the assistent said exitedly, "Look!" He pointed at my arm.
I tried to look, too, but I couldn't stretch my head enough to see my arm.
"FAScinating!" the prof exclaimed.
"I think we had that a few times now." I mumbled sarcastically.
"It regenerates!" meant the apprentice.
"Huh?" I looked up again. I regenerate?
The expression on the professors face scared me a bit. "Do you think... if we'd cut the whole HAND off..."
"DON'T EVEN *THINK* ABOUT THAT!!!" I screamed.
The scientist grinned even wider and lifted the knife again. I think I hadn't made any friends with them.
He lowered the knife again....
"AAAAIIII!!!! PainpainPAIN!!!! STOP!!!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!!!" I yelled, but it was too late - I felt that he had DONE it!
Out of reflex I pulled my arm out of the string that held it - was quite easy without a hand...
I looked at the stump of my arm. "MURDERER!!!"
I just wanted to try to reach that mad scientist, preferably to bite him, when MY HAND GREW BACK!!! I looked at it in surprise.
And suddenly my brain decided to work a bit for its money, too - with my free hand I losened the other strings that held me, I jumped up from the couch, bumped with my backspikes into the still confused madmen, grabbed their notebooks with all the infos about me (and ate them), opened my portal to the 'Hood and vanished, right in front of the scientists' eyes.
The last thing I shouted out when leaving Earth: "Hooray! Thanx, Ho-daddy, for makin' me from the Best Klay!!! - Bye, you goons! Have fun with explaining how your 'highly fascinating new being' left! See yaaaaa!"