The NeverhoOd: Hall of Records

BertBert

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Preamble
Ogdilla
Bertbert
Numeron
Ottoborg
Homen
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BertBert

Quater made his next being with a form closer to his own. He attempted to duplicate himself, but because he was not as good of a man-builder as Father, the being was not quite a perfect duplicate.

Bertbert was given powers of speech and reason, but he could not grasp that he was different from Quater. He thought he was Quater and instantly made seven of his own crowns and started making his own people in his own image. Because Bertbert was an even worse being-maker than Quater, each generation looked worse and worse. By the last generation, Bertbert's beings were not even alive, they just looked like blobs of meat.

The lineage of Bertbert:

Empowered by Quater to create, Bertbert, believing that he himself was Quater, begat another Bertbert.

This second Bertbert begat Bredbad, a weak attempt at a Bertbert; but with a speech impediment.

Bredbad was a wise being. "The most wise of all," it has been said, although no one knows exactly who said that, but it stuck. He did not write down any of his wisdom, but his son Bridabrack the Literal transcribed Bredbad's lectures...

The Wisdom of Bredbad, the son of Bertbert, the son of Bertbert:

I am not good by nature nor am I naturally happy.

But if I fall it is a fault of my own not my mom or pappy.

I have been the witness of one thousand fallen.

For this I am not fortunate.

For me it is torture-nate.

I ponder these 'til I am withered and sullen.

Power is pleasant if served under glass, or eaten like pheasant causing my voice to rasp.

The killer be killed, the dancing man stilled. When bees of plenty sting my heart many.

I emaciate... thinner, thinner... thinner.

Found are the three ways of Bablon:

1. FEAR- It eats itself like a snake down a hill and finds nourishment there.

The bigger it gets the more it eats until it is everywhere.

2. GREED- Unlike fear it shrinks until the snake is something small and despicable.

Smelling like a torch when mixed with hair.

3. VANITY- Is the snake thinking he has strong legs that can jump the stream. He floats belly-up when caught in this snare.

I will share with you my comings and goings if you will listen.

You will join me on these journeys if you hasten. We will perish if you do not.

Bredbad, having no point of reference but himself, begat Bridabrack the Literal.

Who begat Bickback. Bickback was thin for his age and his peers mocked him for the purple and green skin splotches that covered his body.

Once a large crowd of descendants of Bertbert had formed, poor Bickback was made to sit in the back.

He tried to hide his sadness by pretending to enjoy the back of the crowd. It was there that he met the rest of the back of the crowd. They were pitiful beings suffering from physical maladies almost as bad as his splotches.

A distant cousin named Hiface offered to stand behind Bickback so that it would seem like he was not in the absolute back of the crowd, but Bickback chose to emulate the cruelty of the rest of the group by pointing out Hiface's abnormality - a tiny second head growing from his palm. He sang a song about a thing with a thing hiding in its palm. Everyone laughed at Hiface for a while, and praised Bickback for his entertaining and funny verse.

Hiface confronted Bickback regarding this display of cruelty, but Bickback sang the song again until Hiface ran home crying.

The crowd acknowledged that Bickback was witty, but they still could not let him go to the front of the crowd because of those awful splotches. This gave Bickback an idea.

One morning Bickback went to great lengths to hide his splotches. Using some dust, he coated himself, until finally his peers found him beautiful. They quickly escorted him to the front of the crowd where he was commanded to write more songs about the beings in the back of the crowd. Bickback wrote songs of cruelty and prejudice about them all. All, that is, except for one in the back row. He hoped that the front of the crowd would not notice that he was intentionally overlooking his brother, Lytle, who was retarded and therefore, the most back of the whole back row. But, alas, someone noticed,

"Now, Bickback, let us have a song about Lytle!!!" the crowd screamed.

They figured that Bickback was saving a song about Lytle until the end, since it would be the funniest and easiest to write, given the subject matter.

Bickback looked across the crowd at Lytle who could only stare at the ground. Lytle was pitiful in his brother's sight and Bickback hated him for not being perfect.

Bickback walked over to his brother who was drooling and looking very stupid. Lytle recognized his brother and decided to hug him hard the way he always had. Lytle reached out and hugged Bickback saying, "Ly'le like Bicks!"

The crowd roared with laughter at Lytle. They found his audacity to tough someone from the front row typical of his level of stupidity. Embarrassed, Bickback threw Lytle to the ground and called him an animal.

Lytle was shocked and began to cry. Bickback looked down at his drool covered arms. The drool had wiped away some of his dust-covering, exposing the horrible, hated splotches. Bickback openly wept face-down on the ground. Lytle crawled over to him and held him. The crowd was uncomfortable, no one knew what to do. Just then, Bickback wiped his eyes and announced: "I have a song about the pitiful members of the back of the crowd!"

Those in back of the crowd figured that this would be the most degrading song yet. The front of the crowd cheered. Lytle drooled.

Bickback sang in a voice so beautiful that to this day no song has been written to compare. This is what he sang:

In this life I have found one thing.
It is pity incarnate of which I sing.
You have been told about the back of the crowd.
And I repeat it plenty loud.
That they are animals to be excused -
As hapless freaks which we shall use -
As ladder rungs for our speedy ascent -
To the front of the crowd where we'll invent
A strict system of attractive and not
On which side of the net will you be caught.
Align me please with the crowd's back
The front can for what I care go to hack
With their own standards based on their small group
If given the choice 'tween accepting many or few
I will love the different and accept the whole crowd
I will sing of my world long and loud
In my world I say that we the low be tall
And so Brother Lytle is greatest of all.

The entire crowd fell silent as Bickback walked over to his brother and held him. He whispered in Lytle's ear, "I'm so sorry. I have been a big fool."

Lytle still just drooled. Some members of the crowd heeded Bickback's song and embraced the entire crowd.

Others did not and made it their full time concern to re-establish the lines between the front and back of the crowd.

Bickback lived a happy life, he wed Phyllis, a demure little lady, also from the back of the crowd.

He begat Mak Mok which means "low is high."

Mak Mok begat Mak Mak.

Who begat Mak Mak.

Who begat Mak Mak.

Who begat Mak Mak, who fashioned a two-sided being which included both genders, male and female, one on either side. It was a colossal being named Mammur who was very proud indeed. It considered itself absolutely complete, lacking nothing and independent even from its creator, Mak Mak.

Mak Mak could not stand for such conceit, so he made a huge crowbar with which he pried the being into two parts: a male being named Meen and a female being named Mavi.

It took all of Mak Mak's strength to pry the two halves apart. And when Mammur finally split, it sent the crowbar hurtling out into space. As soon as the two half-beings saw that they were no longer a singular whole, they started trying to put themselves back together again, and they have been trying to put themselves back together ever since.

Mammur (or Meen and Mavi) then begat Maumat.

And the sons of Maumat were Mau Much and Marzim and Mah Tup and Manaak.

And the sons of Mau Much were Mabes and Maliva and Magbas and Mamaar and Macetbas;

And the sons of Mamaar were Mabesh and Maded.

Now Maded became the father of Moremin; who became a mighty florist in his town. He was a mighty florist before Quater; therefore it is said, "Like Moremin, a mighty florist before Quater."

And the beginning of his kingdom consisted of Daisyworld and Rosebud and Tulipcrime, in the land of Ranish. From that land he went forth into Milpitas, and built H'voney and Tt and Hoot, and Ressinsessin between H'voney and Tt; that is the great city.

And Moremin became the father of Midul and Mimana and Mibahel and Mihutphan and Misurthap and Mihulsack (from which came the peeons) and Mirotphack and MixtMath, the evil twins.

And Misurthap became the father of Modis, his first-born, and Math Bath and the Quergenites and the Lolo Men and the Fylo Dendrites and the Shrub people and the Klay Wanters and the Neo-Ressinsessinites and the Briv and the Manaakite; and afterward the families of the Manaakite were spread abroad. And the territory of the Manaakite extended from Nodis as you go toward Modoc, Delano, and Truckee and Chester and Alturas, as far as Lake Almanor. So these were the sons of Maumat, according to their families, according to their languages, by their lands, by their nations.

Modis then begat Mah Min, who decided to wear a purple hood instead of a crown.

Mah Min begat Mah Nih, who liked hoods a lot, but hated his father's purple hood; so in rebellion, he went back to the crown-wearing tradition of previous generations. This gesture pleased Quater so much that Mah Nih was simply caught-up into the presence of Quater to live forever in peace with Father, but not before he was able to create a poor likeness of himself, May Nee.

Who begat Way Nee.

Who begat Fwah Gee (the founder of the famous Fwah Ah Nation.)

Who begat Fep At.

Who begat Fep Pee.

Who begat Feh, who liked to sing loving songs for his sons. He sang by expelling air from between five flaps of flesh on his back. Feh sang this way, as a sincere gesture of love for his many sons, but the perpetual honking and flapping of his songs echoed up to the ears of Quater, who, after many years of tolerance, could finally take it no more. Quater smote Feh with a bolt of energy so intense that nobody ever found a trace of his body. Feh was destroyed in the prime of his life, but not before he was able to create thirteen sons.

Feh's thirteen sons were: Klough, Kluff, Klau, Klimt, Kleft, Klak, Klink, and five sons all of whom Feh named Kloppenhomwinwitz, because he could not think of another name until the birth of his last son, Klee.

In the Fwah Legends are the stories of Feh and his thirteen sons.

Feh's favorite son was named Klee (meaning, "give me more like this one").

Feh often had his sons watch the FwaCattle herd in an attempt to teach them the value of hard work, and the responsibility of caring for the herd. FwaCattle had three genders: female; hemale; and threemale (threemales had the gender characteristics of all three genders). When the females were nursing they exuded FwaGerkins from their hide. FwaGerkins were the staple of the Fwah Ah diet. Klee was the youngest of Feh's sons, yet he was also the most responsible, and he was the only one who listened when Feh spoke to his sons the legends Feb Pee had told him of Father and Quater.

The other sons spent most of their time listening to their father's songs, but avoiding work, dreaming of ways to spend their inheritance as soon as their father died. On the other hand, Klee spent his time tending the family herd of FwaCattle with such care that many thought it was his own herd. It was the largest herd of FwaCattle in the nation of Fwah Ah, next to the Emperor's own herds, and Feh certainly appreciated Klee's care.

To show his appreciation, he slaughtered his finest FwahCalf and had the hide made into a fine pair of shorts for Klee. Feh's other sons considered Klee an obstacle to their fun, so they started spending a portion of their time planning ways to get rid of him.

When Klee was out herding the FwaCattle with his brothers, he would often bring back a bad report to his father of how the other sons abused the herd and often secretly sold FwaGerkins for their own profit. Klee boldly told his brothers that while they were dreaming up ways to avoid work, he was dreaming of being Emperor of Fwah Ah. This got on their nerves, and after much plotting, they did finally came up with a plan to get rid of Klee.

When he came out to the Plains of Choppen to check up on them, they grabbed him and sewed him and his fine shorts to the back of a FwaBull. The brothers then traded Klee and the FwaBull to some Choppenpops for some stewed pods. They took these back to Feh and explained that Klee had been trampled in a FwaStampede, and that the pods were all that was left of their brother.

Feh mourned for 88 years the death of his favorite son, Klee. Meanwhile, the Choppenpops, never noticing Klee sewn to the back of their new FwaBull, traded it to the Emperor's herdsmen for a pack of Gaza Smokes.

Now, an Emperor likes a clean herd of FwaCattle, so his herdsmen scrubbed the FwaCattle daily. While they were scrubbing the new FwaBull that Klee was sewn to, they noticed him crying out and begging to be released. The herdsmen released Klee to the custody of Portenchipa, the Emperor's bodyguard.

Portenchipa made Klee his butler, and Klee took on the responsibility much as he did with his father's herd of FwaCattle. Portenchipa was not home much, what with all the responsibilities of his own job, but when he was home, he did not fail to notice Klee's meticulous care of the house and household matters. He actually did a better job than Portenchipa would have done himself. Portenchipa would have been jealous, but he enjoyed the spare time too much.

In these days, each time Portenchipa had been out on one of his many trips away from home with the Emperor, his wife, Pettenpipa, started making eyes at Klee the way she should only be making eyes at Portenchipa. Klee was no fool, he knew what Pettenpipa was up to, so he warned her with the warning his mother always used. He said, "If you don't stop making eyes like that, they're going to get stuck that way."

Pettenpipa could not stand to be rejected, so she kept making eyes at Klee, and sure enough, her eyes got stuck. She lied to Portenchipa when he came home that night and told him Klee had dressed up like Portenchipa just to get her to make eyes at him. Portenchipa beat Klee to within a foot span of his life, then threw him into jail.

But Quater did not forget Klee.

Klee once again prospered because of his faithful conduct.

After the jailer beat Klee to within a half foot span of his life, he put Klee in charge of all the prisoners who were in the jail, so that whatever was done there, he was responsible for it. The jailer did not superwise anything under Klee's charge because whatever Klee did always prospered.

Klee often told the other prisoners the stories of Father and Quater that he had heard as a boy. Then it came about after these things that the Emperor's nephew offended the Emperor by besting him at liver juggling. The Emperor was furious with his nephew, so he took away his status of Emperor's nephew, gave it to some guy who happened to be walking by, and put his nephew in confinement in the jail, the same place where Klee was imprisoned. And the jailer put Klee in charge of the Emperor's former nephew, and he took care of him; and he was in confinement for some time.

Then the Emperor's ex-nephew who was confined in jail, had a terrible time sleeping one night. He tossed and turned all night long. When Klee came to him in the morning and observed him, behold, he was down hearted. And he asked the former Emperor's nephew who was with him in confinement in jail, "Why is your face so sad today?" Then the former nephew said to him, "Are you blind? Just look at my hair; I've got Bed-head and there is no one to interpret it!" He said this because in the Kingdom of Feb, Bed-head interpretations are used to foretell the future. Then Klee said to him, "Do not interpretations belong to Quater? Let me study your Bed-head, please."

Then Klee said to him, "This is the interpretation of your Bed-head: this afternoon the Emperor will restore you to the position of Emperor's nephew and have you released from jail. Now, please do me a kindness by mentioning me to the Emperor, and get me out of this jail. For I was in fact kidnapped from the land of Fwah Ah, and even here I have done nothing that they should have put me into jail."

That afternoon the Emperor declared that his nephew who was in jail should be restored to the position of Emperor's nephew. When the Emperor was asked what should be done with the guy to whom he, the Emperor, had given the "nephew status," the Emperor said to throw him in jail instead. The Emperor's nephew did not remember Klee, in fact he forgot him. But Quater did not forget Klee.

Now it happened at the end of two full years, that the Emperor woke up one morning with Bed-head, and his spirit was troubled, so he sent and called for all the interpreters. And the Emperor had them study his Bed-head, but there was no one who could interpret it to the Emperor.

Then the Emperor's nephew spoke up, saying, "I would make mention today of my own offenses. The Emperor was furious with me, and he put me in confinement in the jail. And I woke up one morning with Bed-head. Now a Fwah Ah youth was with me there, a servant of the jailer, and he studied my Bed-head, and he did interpret it for me. And it came about that just as he interpreted for me, so it happened; I was restored to my status as Emperor's nephew."

Then the Emperor sent and called for Klee, and they hurriedly brought him out of the jail. And when he had shaved himself from head to toe (that is how one was presented to the Emperor in those days) and changed his clothes, he came to the Emperor. And the Emperor said to Klee,

"I presume that you can see I have Bed-head, and no one here can interpret it; but I have heard it said about you, that when you study a Bed-head you can interpret it."

Klee then answered the Emperor, saying, "It is not in me; interpretations of Bed-head belong to Quater."

The Emperor said to Klee, "Behold, study my Bed-head."

Now Klee said to the Emperor, "A terrible drought is coming. It is going to cause sky-rocketing inflation and a shortage of FwaGerkins and FepGerkins, throw the land into a panic, raise prices and drop interest rates. But not before there is a huge surplus of FepGerkins.

Now let the Emperor look for a man discerning and wise, and set him over the land of Fep. Let the Emperor take action to appoint overseers in charge of the land, and let him exact a fifth of the FepGerkins of the land of Fep in the time of surplus. Then let them gather all the FepGerkins of this surplus and store them up, and let them guard it. And let the surplus become as a reserve for the land during the drought which will occur in the lands of Fwah Ah and Fep, so that the land may not perish during sky-rocketing inflation."

The Emperor said, "Wow! All that was in my Bed-head?"

Then he said to his servants, "Can you believe a man like this guy Klee?"

So the Emperor said to Klee, "Since you've got all the answers, you shall be over my house, and according to your command all my people shall do homage; only in the throne I will be greater than you. See, I have set you over all the land of Fep."

Then the Emperor took off his shorts (he had undershorts on underneath, for cryin' out loud!), and put them on Klee.

And he had him ride on his second vehicle; and the servants proclaimed before him, "Bow the knee!" And he set him over all the land of Fep.

Moreover, the Emperor said to Klee, "Though I am the Emperor, yet without your permission no one shall raise his hand or foot or left eyebrow in all the land of Fep." And he gave him Gail, the daughter of a guy he beat in a game of wagon-hurling the previous day.

Thus, Klee became prime minister of the neighboring Kingdom of Fep.

After the period of surplus in Fep, Feh's land dried-up and the FwaHerds wandered away, and a shortage of FwaGerkins threw the land of Fwah Ah into a panic, raising prices and dropping interest rates.

The Feh boys: Klough, Kluff, Klau, Klimt, Kleft, Klak, Klink, and five sons all of whom Feh named Kloppenhomwinwitz because Feh could not think of another name until the birth of his last son, Klee, were forced to trek out to Fep and trade their prized ChoppenMettle statues for FepGerkins, dreading the odious FepAftertaste.

The Fwah Ah hate FepGerkins, to them they are "dirty." The Fwah are so conditioned to despise FepGerkins that just thinking of the FepAftertaste causes a physical reaction.

Simply seeing a FepGerkin has been known to cause a Fwah Ah to go pale and become woozy. The odor of FepGerkins sets off the gag reflex.

It is common to hear a Fwah Gentleman say, "I'd rather eat the refuse of my worst enemy than eat FepGerkins." To which another might respond, "Oh yeah? I'd rather poke myself in the eyes with six inch rusty spikes than eat a lousy FepGerkin."

To which another might reply, "Well, I'd rather eat my own head-innards, after they'd been sucked out through my eye sockets by a great naturally occurring vacuum, than eat FepGerkins."

Still, another might say, "I'd rather have a fullbody massage from a servant girl named Hela than eat FepGerkins." To which everyone would respond, "Huh?"

If a Fwah Ah wants to insult another Fwah Ah, a popular saying is, "Your mother eats FepGerkins!"

It is considered very naughty behaviour for Fwah Ah youngsters to even talk about FepGerkins. The controversial Fwah Ah comedian, Loody Kincaid, once performed an entire live routine of nothing but FepGerkin jokes; of course it was an adults-only performance and was banned in most towns.

All the people of Fwah Ah, including Feh and his sons, realized they would have to choke down the FepGerkins (and most likely vomit a few times after eating the first three or four) or face certain starvation.

Now Klee was the ruler over the land; he was the one who sold to all the people of the land. And Klee's brothers came and bowed down to him with their faces to the ground. When Klee saw his brothers he recognized them, but he disguised himself to them and spoke to them with cotton in his cheeks.

His brothers ordered twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Then Klee gave orders to fill the cases with shorts of great value. And thus it was done for them. So the brothers loaded their FwaOxen with the twelve and a half cases and departed from there.

At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers.

The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?"

Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the priceless shorts. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?"

So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he invited them in and fed them delicious snacks prepared with FepGerkins, of course.

While they were eating (after having thrown up at least twice each) Klee had their cases of FepGerkins filled with the finest FepShoelaces, such as only the Emperor's family would wear. After dinner, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home.

At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers.

The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?"

Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the precious shoelaces. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?"

So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he invited them in and had them join him in the pool.

While they were in the sauna, after swimming, he had their cases of FepGerkins filled with priceless gauges. After they had all dried off, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home.

At the border, Klee had his police stop his brothers.

The head policeman said, "May I see your receipt, please?" Klough, the eldest, handed over the receipt to the officer. "Says here you bought twelve and a half cases of FepGerkins. Mind if we take a look inside these here cases?"

Klough agreed to let the police search the cases. When these were opened the police of course found the precious gauges. The brothers were stunned, to say the least; their hearts sank, and they turned trembling to one another, saying, "What's up with that?"

So the police escourted the sons of Feh back to Klee's house. The brothers thought they were done for, but when Klee saw them he had them come in and watch a play performed in mime in his private home theater, then he had them spend the night.

While they were sleeping, he had their cases of FepGerkins filled with hewminallinterfatch (which is a lot like a food). In the morning, after breakfast, Klee released his brothers (who still did not recognize him) to go on their way home.

But Klau, the smartest brother, said, "Before we go, I'd like to look in these cases of FepGerkins."

When he opened one up, of course he found the hewminallinterfatch. He exclaimed, "What is up with that?"

Klee knew he had to let his brothers in on his little deception. Klee said, "I'm Klee!" And the brothers responded. "Who?"

Then Klee took the cotton balls out of his cheeks and told them the whole story. He said, "It goes like this:

When I came out to the Plains of Choppen to check up on you, you grabbed me and sewed me and my fine shorts to the back of a FwaBull. Then you traded me and the FwaBull to some Choppenpops for some stewed pods..."

Klee's brothers went back to Fwah Ah and returned to Fep with their father, Feh, who lived there for only a few years until Quater eventually smote him with a bolt of energy.

In all, the Feh family lived in Fep 410 years.

Klee, having become ruler of all the land of Fep, was compelled by his people to change his name to Fay Nee, which means, "Most of which still do not agree."

Fay Nee begat Fay Nee.

Who begat Wah Nee.

Who begat Acker, who looked nothing like his father, Wah Nee, but nonetheless, managed to create Ehp.

Like many generations before him, Acker sang to Ehp every night over his crib using the flaps in his back, in the tradition of Feh. Acker showed all of the love a good parent should show his offspring. He often stared into Ehp's face for hours until his eyes grew dry and tired. Ehp was full of kindness and generosity, taught by Acker and likely nurtured by his grandfather, Wah Nee.

One day, while Ehp and his grandfather were on a long trip to the Boneyard, Wah Nee grew ill. Wah Nee asked Ehp to stay with him until he returned home to Father, for he was afraid. Ehp daubed Wah Nee's brow with a cool cloth given to him by Acker. Quater opened the sky and let Wah Nee enter. This was the first time Ehp had seen Quater who was far more marvelous than the legends told.

Ehp grew to be a strong and handsome being, much closer in likeness to Bertbert than any generation before him.

Ehp became a mighty leader of other beings who saw that he was in favor with Quater.

Just as everybody thought that the whole "each-generation-gets-worse" thing had finally turned around, Ehp's own creation came out looking like a pile of something badly burned, so he named it, "Uh Uh."

Uh Uh was not alive, so it could not begat anything.


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